Today at church was somewhat unsatisfying for several reasons, most of which I will not go into.
Sandwiched between Frustrating Forum and Missed Meeting was about an hour and a half as a nursery volunteer. I once told the Director of Religious Education that I had "totsophobia," because while I do not dislike children at all, I feel very awkward around them. The only kid I ever felt completely at ease with was my own. Those years went by much too quickly and did absolutely nothing to help me relax around anyone else's kids. The problem has nothing whatsoever to do with the fear that a child will hurt me, it's the fear that I will fail in some way to properly care for someone else's little one. The responsibility scares the daylights out of me. I will never hold anyone's baby, at least if the baby is too young to crawl. For one thing, I've never gotten the hang of that casual manner that most mothers seem to instinctively know when it comes to holding a baby. I always held my son something like the way I hold my cat -- with his little head tucked right up under my chin. He never seemed to mind it, but it must look really strange. And of course, I worry that I will drop the baby.