Skip to main content

Analyze This, Part 2: Outa Bed, Sleepyhead

...Giving the number-crunchers of the world something to do in their spare time...

5:00 a.m., East South Central U.S.

My LG Rumor2 cell phone awakens me, and after “snoozing” it 2-3 times, I reluctantly drag myself upright. If the morning is chilly, I make sure I’m wearing a robe and pajamas from K-mart and fuzzy leopard-print bedroom slippers from Walmart.

First stop, the bathroom, where I make use of Charmin Ultra-soft mega-roll and check the status of my cat’s litterbox, which is periodically replenished with Special Kitty clumping litter from Walmart. This is a good time to brush my teeth with an Oral-B toothbrush and Sensitive formula toothpaste from Rite-Aid. The antiseptic mouthwash is Equate brand from Walmart, but the bottle is so huge, I transfer an ounce or two into a sample-size Listerine bottle. Both have very stubborn child-proof caps.

Then it’s coffee time. I do not have far to go, since I recently acquired a Keurig one-cup brewer that I keep in the office, three steps across the hall from the bedroom, where it sits atop a small, rickety chip-board cabinet that I bought at Dollar General for $16 and assembled myself. [Full disclosure: my employer is a partner with Keurig, so I got the brewer for a deep discount] I usually brew a K-cup of Mesa Sunrise medium roast blend from Rio Grande Coffee Roasters (also acquired at a deep discount from a store called Ollie’s Bargain Outlet), but once in awhile I indulge in a K-cup of  “Donut House Collection Chocolate Glazed Donut Flavor Light Roast.” I flavor it with a packet of Splenda and stir it with a little wooden stick that came from Starbucks a few years ago. The cup I use every morning is a keepsake 1996 Atlanta Olympic Games cup that I got from Holiday Inn.

While the Keurig brewer is slurping away and the cat is keeping a wary eye on it, I fire up my Dell Dimension tower computer, purchased new in 2006, containing Windows XP Home Edition v. 2002

Generally, I open a Microsoft Word 2003 document and make a journal entry. Then I click on Google Chrome and start surfing the web. First Gmail, where I check out some enticements from Ebates (which probably has me down as a barnacle or maybe a butterfly, since I’ve made purchases through them from Hanes and Ulta Cosmetics but have been relatively inactive lately as I anticipate paying off my pre-owned Chevy Cobalt, which I purchased from a Nissan dealership). I like my Cobalt, even though the airbag apparatus is currently subject to recall.

Ollie’s Outlet has my loyalty card, so I get regular emails from them too. Another merchant (I flag all of these with the label “Ad$” in bright red, to avoid find them easily) is Bookboon, a UK firm that specializes in “free” ebooks on business-related subjects. I download them avidly and plan to read all of them when I retire.

All my other emails are about personal subjects that don’t generate money for anybody, so I’ll just skip right over them and continue on to that motherlode of search-engine optimization, Facebook.

I have “liked” 425 different things and listed myself as a fan of numerous books, movies, TV shows and musical artists. Most of these are NOT current. Anybody remember the movie “Into the Night” with Michelle Pfeiffer and Jeff Goldblum? That’s about my speed. Despite making a New Year’s resolution of sorts a few months back, I have not yet returned to the local cinema to overpay for an overloud movie with overly rude people sitting nearby. Darn…I’m failing as a consumer of popular culture!

Mellow Mushroom, Sitar Indian Cuisine, Cracker Barrel, and Moe’s Southwestern Grill are the four restaurants I like. Lee and L.L. Bean are the two clothing brands I’ve liked. Among the other mundane brands I’ve given the Facebook thumbs-up to are: Erlanger Health System, ZzzQuil, Duane Reade Drugs, Unify, ConAir Beauty, HomeServe USA, Goetze’s Caramel Creams, Kohl’s, Essie Nail Polish, Eight O’Clock Coffee, Sprint, The Republic of Tea, The Massage ForStress Day Spa and Salon, Amazon Kindle, Barking Legs Theatre, Panera Bread, Taziki’s Mediterranean CafĂ©, Costco, Holiday Inn, Hardee’s, Tennessee Awning, Belk, Long Island NY tourism, Dollar General, Baskin-Robbins, O’Reilly Auto Parts, Subway, Klondike, Dollar Tree, Safelite Auto Glass, Longhorn Steak House, Biotene, Purina Cat Chow, Tractor Supply, Ikea, Progressive Insurance, Delta Airlines, Bob’s Red Mill, Arizona State University, Kroger, Land’s End, Janet Evanovich, Eternal Reefs, Enterprise Rent-a-Car, Precision Tune, Old Navy, Esurance, Pantene and Walgreen’s.

I wonder what these choices say about me? Especially since in many cases, I’ve never done business with the companies mentioned but “Liked” them just because I know someone who works there. Or maybe visited there 20-30 years ago.

After filling my brain with trivia for 45 minutes or so, I decide breakfast might be a good idea. If I’m going to bother with breakfast, it had better be nutritious, so in most cases that means bacon and eggs. The eggs are from Walmart; they’re usually Grade A large. The bacon is probably from Walmart as well – that’s where we do most of our grocery shopping. An alternate might be Bi-Lo, which was recently acquired by Winn-Dixie. I very much like their Southern Home brand low sodium hardwood-smoked bacon – the aroma reminds me of campfires, early mornings in the woods. At this point I will often re-use that K-cup from earlier in the morning. You can run them through twice at least before tossing them out.

Occasionally I’ll go for something different, such as old-fashioned oats from either Quaker, Walmart Great Value or Bi-Lo Southern Home. I’ll flavor it with ground cinnamon that I bought at Big Lots for about a dollar, and cool it with a dash of whole milk from Walmart. My cookware is WearEver – a set that dates back to my wedding in 1998. I have a 750-watt General Electric microwave oven. The stove is a G.E. also, and it came with the house. I think the refrigerator is a G.E. as well. It came with the house and is a complete piece of crap. Take that, Jack Welch.

After breakfast, I clean up using Dawn dishwashing liquid and a scrubby sponge that I bought at Dollar Tree.

Then it’s time for a shower. Get ready, friends. I’m about to get naked.

Analyze This, Inquiring Minds want to know - Part 1
Analyze This, What to wear - part 3


The Urban Blabbermouth said…
This is great. Wish I wrote it.

Popular posts from this blog

A Subway Journey Home

by The Urban Blabbermouth. Comments are welcome! ~ There is a ritual to theNew York City subway system. Once there, you lose your humanity.  You are transformed into a savage, brutal and selfish automaton.  Savage in that you push and shove other riders out of your way to get into the subway car.  Brutal in that you never excuse yourself for any atrocities that you commit to get in the subway car.  Selfish in that you never give up your seat to anyone, no matter how crippled or old or pregnant they are.  Automaton in that you never look at any one else as a human being.

Now there are certain strategies that you can employ to be a successful subway rider.  You can stand by the door and obstruct the way just to be selfish and ornery.  That strategy is designed to increase your standing with your fellow passengers by impressing them with how vicious you can be pushing back at people trying to push into the car.  Whenever I see this strategy employed, I immediately piggy back on it.  I move …

Im gonna git u Sukkah

by The Urban Blabbermouth [who may or may not be shown in the photo above... - v-E] ~ True story. I am walking to my car and I notice a couple of Jewish fellows, twenty somethings, with the bouquets of what looks like bamboo or palm. I know they are Jewish for they look Hasidic. They are wearing long black jackets, wide brim black fedora hats, and have curly sideburns. In truth, I classify all Jewish who dress like this as Hasidic although they may identify themselves differently. They are standing near the corner canvassing passersby.

Encyclopedia Brown Bear

by The Urban Blabbermouth
At an age when other children decide to set up lemonade stands, Baby Bear decided to start a detective agency. His decision resulted from his experience in the Goldilocks home invasion. If you don't know this well-publicized crime case, Google Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Baby Bear wanted to become a policeman to help the other denizens of the Forest with their troubles and to maintain justice for all. Alas, the police did not accept children as applicants.

Baby Bear ran to his community library and borrowed the renowned guide, The Hardy Boys' Detective Handbook. Baby Bear spent the next twenty days, the library's lending period, studying the text. He chose the business name of "Encyclopedia Brown Bear Detective Agency" after his hero, Leroy "Encyclopedia” Brown. Baby Bear's dad hung the business sign across the garage door and opened a folding card table and four chairs in the entrance below.

On the first day, the Big Bad Wolf…