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Fifty Shades of White

by The Urban Blabbermouth
It's kinda obvious but most people don't know that white people did not become white until they met the first black African.  Until that moment, white people thought that the world had only white people and none other.  What a shock for them!  So white people decided to create white people just so that they could say that they were white.  It worked.

But before the creation of white people, white people had problem, "There are no black people in the world and so how do we create a pecking order?"  To solve the problem, white people convened The Great Council of the Known Western World.  After much discussion and haranguing and fighting including years of wars, pillaging and murdering of villagers, The Great Council of the Known Western World found a solution -- they would create different kinds of white people.

At the top of the pecking order would be the Really Really White people, then the Look Like White people, then the Swarthy people, and finally those with Very Long and Unpronounceable Names.

Those of us with a discerning eye would have immediately notice that some folks were really pink.  These pink ones claimed that they are white but with thin white skin, so thin that the pink came from seeing red blood through their white skins.  We can visually identify this new pecking order as true albino types to a sort of pinkish types to those with slight brown undertones and eventually to those with very long and unpronounceable names.

The people at the bottom of the pecking order were unhappy to be there and wanted to move up.  They started to take milk bath everyday to make themselves whiter but it did not work.  The milk bath only served to make the diary farmers rich through price gouging.

White people continued to squabble amongst themselves for centuries about their place on the pecking order until the discovery of black people who were immediately put at the bottom of the pecking order.

Unsurprisingly, the discovery of black people caused problems.  Those already at the bottom of the pecking order, the Swarthy and those with Very Long and Unpronounceable Names, soon found that when they were standing next to black people, they looked white.  A rumpus broke out leading to the reconvening of The Great Council of the Known Western World and the creation of a single group of people that we know today as white people.

A few years later, The Great Council of the Known Western World had to convene once again.   It seems that the white men took a fancy to black women (see Marriage in Black and White) resulting in children.  The Great Council of the Known Western World now had to figure out what to do with the children.  They came up with the "Rooney" system that split the black people at the bottom of pecking order into more groupings: Mulatto, half white; Quarteroon, three quarter white; and Octoroon, seven eights white.

Conceivably, black people having children with white people and then the children having more children with more white people will eventually end up with white children.  The key here is to insure that the white parent is always one of the Really Really White people so that the children will end up at the top of the pecking order.


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