Now, if THIS wall could talk...Oy!
by The Urban Blabbermouth
Hey bud, it’s me, The Wall. Seems God heard you saying “If the walls could talk” and He says ‘Hey why not?” Didn’t expect that did you? Be careful what you wish for. Now your wall can talk and talk about your dumb shit.
It’s true. I’ve seen some dumb shit, some ugly shit, and some pretty good shit and your pale white flat ass is in the ugly shit. Don’t worry, I don’t want to talk about your dumb shit. I got a more personal beef with you.
I’m a sensitive Wall and I want to look good but what's that fucking color on me? PUCE? What the fuck color is that? Women come here and they want to enter your man cave so that they can rejoice in their superiority and they see puce.
No wonder you ain’t getting no pussy around here. If you can’t do better, then go back to the plain white wall.
And, what the fuck you hanging on me? A fuzzy poster that glows in the dark of dogs playing poker. Are you a juvenile? Do I have to call your mom? Get something better.
If you think I’m sensitive, you should hear the Floor talk. He ain’t happy. Yup, the Floor is a he. You put wood on the floor you get a he. You put down a carpet, you get a she. I don’t have to explain how that works to you, do I? Good. The Floor, he don't like that you don't wipe your fucking feet. That dirt and sand just grinds his goat and rubs him wrong. You like the pun? Pretty good for a Wall talking for the first time. It's like sand getting in your draws at the beach and rubbing your balls. Wipe your damn feet!!!
The Roof got something to say too and he is getting insistent. I tell you, he is annoying. Just because he's lying on top of all of us, he thinks he is the top dog, the alpha male around here. Bullshit. If I ever lean over a little bit, he'll fall flat on his face. Maybe we can trade him for the Basement. At least she got a bottom worth looking at. She can lie on top anytime. Anyway, the Roof says you got to do something to fix the leaks. Every time it rains, water drips on his beams. What a cry baby.
I know you're thinking, "What a chatty wall. Why don't he shut up?" Well let me be plain, I'm your punishment. Seems you been gossiping and you know that so wrong. Admit it, that's why you wanted to hear what walls had to say. You make your wish, you get your wish. You one of those who only learn the hard way so you get me. You lucky though, God only gave me the gift of talk. God and His mysterious ways. I wouldn't have been so kind. Imagine if your punishment was that people would know all your thoughts for the next three weeks.
Anyway, let me tell you what your bedroom furniture have been saying about...
Great Wall of China
Berlin Wall (1961-1989)
Pink Floyd "Another Brick in the Wall"