Thursday, January 15, 2015

The New Years resolutions that I will not make.

                  
by The Urban Blabbermouth
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What can I say, every year I make resolutions and every year they don't pan out.  This year I shall ease my guilty conscience and not make any of these resolutions:
  • "I resolve to lose weight."  This is the number one resolution failure.  I never lose the weight.  I cannot escape the annual eating season that runs from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day.  The best I can hope for at year's end is to weigh the same as I did at the beginning of the year.
  • "I resolve to save money."  Every year I plan to increase my saving.  This year I asked myself why?  The money goes into the bank and I get zero interest rate.  All it does is make some banker richer.  So I plan to spend my money on me.  I shall buy a big screen TV or a large glittery bauble for my wife.
  • "I resolve to be nicer to my wife."  I am always nice to my wife and I cannot be any nicer.  I will not share this resolution with her for she will “beg to differ” and cause all kinds of marital discord.
  • "I resolve to buy myself a Mercedes-Benz."  I always liked this one very much.  I so want to tell my neighbors that they are dragging down the neighborhood with their Toyotas.  I can brag that they are not keeping up with me.  Of  course, I will have to load up on debt and get a third mortgage to buy the Mercedes-Benz. 
  • "I resolve to be more interesting."  Huh, my life has gotten boring.  There have been no visits from Russian spies trying to squeeze state secrets from me. Nor have there been any bodyguards around protecting me from my overly enthusiastic adoring fans.  Maybe boring is good after all.