Skip to main content

1984 was another year

by The Urban Blabbermouth
In last night's speech,  Big Mommy, the Chairman of the Party, our wise leader of the government and the beloved leader of our community, announced her latest brilliant initiative.  In her beneficence, Big Mommy decided that, "The only sure thing in life is death and taxes," was wrong and the correct aphorism is, "There is no death only taxes."  Apparently, the income of  the government, really the income of the  Chairman, was falling.  Big Mommy declared, "there is no death.  People do not die anymore and so, they must pay their taxes forever."  It's brilliant.

Big Mommy's proper name is Jennifer Government* but we citizens affectionately call her Big Mommy since she is always look out for our best interests.  My name, Georgiana Orwell, on the other hand, is not as distinguished.  In a hundred years, who will remember me?  I work for the Ministry of Free Speech.  My job is to make sure that all the people hear Big Mommy's speeches and that they repeat her words often.  The Ministry has microphones, listening devices, all over the cities, to make sure that the people are repeating Big Mommy's speech.  Our computers count how many times each citizen repeats Big Mommy's words.  If a citizen reaches the Word Goal, they get and extra day off from work.  As yet no one has ever reach the goal.  Perhaps it is because Big Mommy, in her infinite wisdom, decided that this information was on a need to know basis and the citizens did not need to know.  

The slogan I will be using to remind the citizens of the new initiative is, "There is no Death, only taxes.  Did you pay yours?"    Like how I incorporated Big Mommy's words into it?  That will earn me some Word Goal points.   A straight forward and effective slogan.  The citizens will not have to think on the slogan, especially since Big Mommy decided twenty years ago that the citizens should not be burdened with thinking.  She said, and I quote, "If you are busy thinking then you won't have the time to be busy enjoying yourself with the all the pleasures that the government creates for you.  Therefore, I will take your burden upon myself and do your thinking for you."  Her reasoning was so intuitive that I am astonished that no one in all of human history has implemented this before.  Good thing we have Big Mommy.

Since no one dies any more, I am not sure what happens to you when you permanently stop breathing.   If you are not breathing, then how do we collect your taxes?  Really puzzling.  I eagerly await Big Mommy's next speech.  I am sure that she has already worked it out.

Well, Big Mommy has amazed us all once again.  She has the solution to all our problems.  In last night's speech, Big Mommy has informed us the that since there is no death, we cannot become an un-person, we will instead become an un-dead person.  Yes, you read that right, we are all now vampires and we cannot die and we must now pay our taxes forever.  Big Mommy was quite pleased.

* Jennifer Government - character in and title of a novel by Max Barry


Popular posts from this blog

A Subway Journey Home

by The Urban Blabbermouth. Comments are welcome! ~ There is a ritual to theNew York City subway system. Once there, you lose your humanity.  You are transformed into a savage, brutal and selfish automaton.  Savage in that you push and shove other riders out of your way to get into the subway car.  Brutal in that you never excuse yourself for any atrocities that you commit to get in the subway car.  Selfish in that you never give up your seat to anyone, no matter how crippled or old or pregnant they are.  Automaton in that you never look at any one else as a human being.

Now there are certain strategies that you can employ to be a successful subway rider.  You can stand by the door and obstruct the way just to be selfish and ornery.  That strategy is designed to increase your standing with your fellow passengers by impressing them with how vicious you can be pushing back at people trying to push into the car.  Whenever I see this strategy employed, I immediately piggy back on it.  I move …

Gone Shopping

by The Urban Blabbermouth
Dracula escorted his newly created undead aide into the store.

"...and you need to sleep in the daytime," he explained.

"But what are we doing here in Sleepy's Mattress store?" asked his aide. "I thought we slept in coffins."

"We are modern now," replied Dracula. "We use a mattress like anyone else. I tell you, after two hundred years of sleeping on rock and dirt, this is a joy. So much more comfortable and you don't have to haul it around from place to place."

"Amazing," said the aide.

"For a newbie like you, maybe you want to go traditional. Sleepy's has a Posturedic that will fit inside a coffin."

"What do you use?" asked the aide.

"I have a sleep-number bed. I love it. Mrs. Dracula can toss and turn and I don't feel it on my side."

"Now that you mention the ladies, I think I will skip the coffin. A moo…

I Swear!

by Vol-E

I've lived in the south for over 30 years. Having grown up as a New Yorker, there were some changes to get used to once I crossed the Mason-Dixon line.

Language was a big one. My parents were well-behaved in public, but behind the closed doors of our home, they taught me all kinds of interesting vocabulary words, as they took their everyday frustrations out on one another. "Jerk" and "bastard" were two of the earliest ones, but by the time I was about eight, I knew pretty much every one of George Carlin's pet no-nos.

It was only in college that I met people who were outspokenly offended by swear words. The ones that raised eyebrows initially were related to religion. I began to think twice about using "hell" and "damn," and was politely informed one day that "God's last name is not 'dammit.'" So I gradually began censoring myself a bit, which was probably a good thing, once I joined the work force. Macy…