by The Urban Blabbermouth
I have decided to become a professional athlete when I retire. I don’t know yet which sport I will choose. Ridiculous, you say. “How can an old man like you compete with the twenty-somethings? They are faster and most likely, better skilled than you are!”
I say Phooey to that. I just read in the newspapers that mediocre basketball players are getting five-million-dollar-a-year contracts. Well, I can be mediocre too. I can sit on the bench for most of the games and when the lead is big enough, ask the coach to send me out onto the court so that the stars, the better players, can rest. I will not stink up the place because the opposing team will also send their mediocre players out on the court so that their star players can rest. I will be playing against other mediocre players. I think I can manage that.
Of course, the game aficionados will be bemoan me out there but what I say is, “I make your life more interesting. If I were not out there, showing off my mediocre moves, you would be bored with nothing to fuss about!” Now that I think about this, I should ask for a pay raise.
My plan is that I will be on a team with great players, the kind of players who win championships. I, as a team member, will get a championship ring too. My name will still be listed in the record books amongst the winning team members.
By the way, just so you know, during the basketball off-season, I plan to bring about world peace.