by The Urban Blabbermouth
At an age when other children decide to set up lemonade stands, Baby Bear decided to start a detective agency. His decision resulted from his experience in the Goldilocks home invasion. If you don't know this well-publicized crime case, Google Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Baby Bear wanted to become a policeman to help the other denizens of the Forest with their troubles and to maintain justice for all. Alas, the police did not accept children as applicants.
Baby Bear ran to his community library and borrowed the renowned guide, The Hardy Boys' Detective Handbook. Baby Bear spent the next twenty days, the library's lending period, studying the text. He chose the business name of "Encyclopedia Brown Bear Detective Agency" after his hero, Leroy "Encyclopedia” Brown. Baby Bear's dad hung the business sign across the garage door and opened a folding card table and four chairs in the entrance below.
On the first day, the Big Bad Wolf came to see Encyclopedia Bear. The wolf was rather tall, walking on his hind legs and he carried a black walking stick that matched his black fur. He swung the stick back and forth as if limbering up just before he was ready to beat someone with it.
"Hey, you the detective?" asked the Big Bad Wolf as he put his front paws on Encyclopedia Brown's desk and leaned in.
Encyclopedia Bear looked up at the wolf towering over him and replied, "That's me. How may I be of service?"
The wolf sat down and put his feet up on Encyclopedia Bear's desk. "You kinda young for a detective?"
"Young is better in this business. We run faster. Plus, old detectives get, well, old and get forgetful."
"What, you a wise guy?" snarled the wolf.
"What can I do for you?" asked Encyclopedia Bear.
"I've been accused of blowing down the houses of the three little pigs. I'm innocent and I want you to prove it."
"Tell me what happened."
"I was walking through the forest, passing by the first pig's house, minding my own business, when this wind came up and the straw house fell over. Same at the second pig's stick house. I did go by the third pig's brick house and he was having a party. I smelled some legal Colorado weed coming out the chimney. I thought about going in but I didn't want to be late meeting up with Little Red Riding Hood, so I went the other way. Then the cops grabbed me by Spring Creek."
"Hmm. Anything else?
"Yeah, something really strange, I kept hearing a car horn in the forest. Makes no sense. You can't drive a car in that part of the forest. I didn't hear any car horns at the third pig's house. It was the loud music. He kept playing Brick House, the Rick James version, over and over. It was so noisy that I almost went deaf."
"Aha! I know who the guilty party is," declared Encyclopedia Bear as he enthusiastically jumped up and down on his chair. "It is Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius. The beep beep you heard was Road Runner. No doubt Wile E.Coyote was using an ACME Wind machine and foolishly blew down the pigs' houses."
"The rat. I will have to pay Wile E. Coyote a friendly visit," grinned Big Bad Wolf with a large display of teeth.
"Leave it to the police. I will email my report to the police commissioner."
"Maybe, replied the wolf. "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be One Dollar."
The Big Bad Wolf paid Encyclopedia Bear and went on his merry way to look for Little Red Riding Hood.
On the second day, Miss Piggy came to see Encyclopedia Bear. This was an unexpected pleasure. Encyclopedia Bear expected only forest creatures as clients. Now here stood a famous celebrity and movie star.
Miss Piggy sat down, covered her face with her hands and softly sobbed. She retrieved a hankie from the pocket of her green jerkin - sort of made her look like Maid Marion of Robin Hood fame - and dabbed her eyes.
Encyclopedia Bear waited a moment then asked, "How may I be of service?"
"I have lost my glass slippers and I need to find them pronto. I borrowed them from Chrissy Louboutin of the Red Sole store for the Prince's Red Carpet Ball and if I don't return it, I will have to pay for it. It's soo expensive."
Dabbing her eyes, Miss Piggy continued, "They are so beautiful, etchings of Arc de Lilacs and a magnificent six-inch stiletto heel. They matched my ball gown. My gown wasn't glass. That would be silly. You cannot dance in a glass gown. Besides, your underwear would show. It was an An Wang gown, you know, the computer guy, go figure. My gown was silver and embroidered with pearls. It shimmered in the moonlight."
"I am sure you were the most beautiful belle at the ball. Now, tell me about the slippers."
"It was dark, about midnight and I was going home when I fell asleep in the carriage. Then there was this racket that woke me up. The carriage shook, then a huge puff of smoke. A giant pumpkin blocked the road. When I tried to get out of the carriage to get a better look, I found myself in stocking feet. I searched the carriage but and the glass slippers were gone."
Miss Piggy leaned forward slightly and with a small smile looked Encyclopedia Bear in his face, "Ohhh, you must help me. You must find them for me. You would be my hero."
"Hmm," escaped from Encyclopedia Bear as he blushed. One could not see him blushing under his fur but his nose did darken a bit. "Let me ask you, were you drinking champagne at the ball?"
"Why yes, lots of it. I love Asti Spumante. It's light and sweet. I hate dry champagne. Yuk!" and Miss Piggy scrunched up her nose.
"Who were you drinking with?"
"Just the Prince. He drank every glass he could find. What a lush, no head for Champagne."
"Aha, I know where your slippers are. The Prince has them. He drank too much and mistook your glass slippers for champagne glasses."
Miss Piggy gushed happily, "Oh thank you, thank you. I will rush over there, right now, to get them." She stood up and ran around the desk, hugged Encyclopedia Bear and planted a sweet kiss upon his cheek. There was more hidden blushing from our hero.
Miss Piggy paid the One Dollar fee and departed for the castle.
On the third day, Foghorn Leghorn came to see...